Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
