I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize