The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
