The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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