I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
