WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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