So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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