I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the condom got lost in my hair
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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