No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
