i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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