I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
