what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
