It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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