i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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