My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How does it feel to date your dad?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
