I wish I could punch you in the face.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
