She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
