I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
