Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
