My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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