I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
