My cat gives me a boner
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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