Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
