He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
