That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Randomize
