i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
