I've blown a few things in my day
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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