the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
