I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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