i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
