Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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