not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
