I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
