its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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