The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
