smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
