On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
