I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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