I can't watch pbs sober anymore
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i think i have two assholes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
