She went from zero to smokin in five shots
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
