Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize