Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
