i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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