did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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