Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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