I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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