Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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