Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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