does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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