I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
if i died would you start the facebook group?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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