My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
