i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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