You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
