Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Damn victory sex feels great
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
