Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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