So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
