I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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